Badgerstaff Wheneverly
"Fellowship of the @: The Two Towers" -- Leia T.


"Mission Impossible: Part II" -- Jeffy B.
"Virtual, My Foot" -- Jessa S.
"Behind the Newbie" -- Alex K.
"New Zealandish Ramblings of the Bug" -- KtDiD
"Shattered Moonbeams" -- Rachel G.
"Powderful" -- Meg B.
"Finding Yourself" -- Chelsea B.
"Fellowship of the @: The Two Towers" -- Leia T.
"Canadian-itas" -- Kyla S.
"A Sentimental Note" -- Becca H.
"The Porcupine Patch" -- Nicole P.

A Revised Script

New Marf Cinema Presents...
[black screen and swooshy music]
A Wingmarf Films Production
[tremble of excitement]
The Lord of the @
[ooo, ahh]


[View of the Marfy Mountains as voices drift in from the background]

Alex: You cannot pass!
Sean: Alex! Aieeee!
Alex: I'm the piggy, wielder of the dancing dot... The dot will not avail you! Flame of Pig Diddy!
[Camera zooms in through the mountain and focuses on Alex and the Coffee-Deprived-Leia on the bridge of KaZaA's-Doomed. The Hideous Leia strikes down on Alex with its flaming empty coffee mug. Horrible bloodshot eyes glare at Alex. Alex parries the blow with her bright shiny special sword, shattering the coffee mug]
Alex: Go back to the shadow!
[The Leia brandishes a flaming whip, lashing it about menacingly while saying "har har har"]

[Alex strikes her gaff onto the bridge. As the Leia steps forward, the bridge collapses from under it and the demon plunges backward into the chasm. Alex, exhausted, leans on her gaff and watches the Demon fall, then turns to follow the others. At the last minute, the flaming whip lashes up from the depths of the abyss and winds around Alexs ankle, dragging her over the edge. She clings onto the bridge but is straining to keep her grip. Leia is very sorry indeed and will do better next time]

[Sean runs around pretending to be helping, and lets out a sigh of relief as Melis catches him]
Melis: No! Sean!
Alex: Fly you fools!
[Alex loses her grip and falls into the chasm]

[Alex falls after the Coffee-Deprived Leia and grabs hold of her sword on her way down (Nifty, eh?) As they continue to plunge into the depths, Alex hacks away at the Coffee-Deprived Leia even as 'it' (yes, it's an it when it does not have it's coffee) crashes and bounces off the walls. They continue to plunge at great speed, sometimes with Alex clinging to the horn (horny, horny, har har) of the demon. The battling pair then falls into an enormous cavern and plunges into the water. Just then Sean wakens as if from a nightmare]

Sean: Alex! Squee!
Ness: *gasp* What is it Mr. Sean?
Sean: Nothing. Just a dream.
[Lies back down]


[Sean and Ness climb over rocky terrain. They look into the distance at the Mountain of Fire.]
Ness: The Psych Ward. *shudder* The one place in SBMB we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we can't get. Lets face it, Mr. Sean. We're lost. I don't Alex meant for us to come this way.

Sean: She didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Ness. But they did.
[Suddenly Sean feels and sees the Eye zooming in on him. He gasps and pants as he backs away]

{The EYE}

[Sean squeaks]

Ness: Sean?...It's the @ isnt it?
Sean: It's getting heavier.
[Clutches the @ to his chest and sits down, still panting. He then fumbles for his water bottle and takes a sip.]
Sean: What food have we got left?
Ness: Well, let me see.
[She takes out a package of lembas bread from her pack] Oh yes, loverly. Lembas bread. And look! [She digs deeper into her pack] More lembas bread.
[She reveals another package of poisonous-leaf wrapped lembas bread. She then breaks off a piece and tosses it to Sean, and munches on a piece herself.]
Ness: I don't usually hold to foreign food (damn the french), but this elvish stuff is not bad.
Sean (smiles): Nothing ever dampens you spirits, does it Ness?
Ness: *wink wink* You know it, baby...*points* Those rainclouds might.

[They continue trekking through difficult terrain, often huddling underneath their cloaks doing who-knows-what.]
Ness: This looks strangely familiar.
Sean: Cause we've been here before. We are going in circles. Caca-poopoo indeed.
Ness: Ah! What's that 'orrid stink? I'll warrant Nat's nearby. Can you smell it?
Sean: Yes I can smell it.
[Sean walks closer to Ness and then turns to look at her after a pause] We are not alone.

Krooton (hissing): Those thieves! Those filthy little thieves! Wheeere isssit? Wheeere isssit? They stole it from us. My preciousssss. [Krooton creeps closer and closer] Curse them. We hates them. It's ours, it is, and we wantsss it! [Krooton reaches out her hand towards the hobbits.]

[Suddenly the hobbits spring up, grab hold of Krootons arms and pull her down. Amidst the struggle, Krooton wriggles loose and leaps onto Sean. As Sean falls back, the chain and @ around his neck is revealed and Krooton jumps straight for the @ with a hideous "eee!". Ness tries to grab at her but is knocked away with rather frightening strength. Krooton now jumps on top of Sean (cough cough) and tries to reach for the @ even as Sean grabs her hands and tries to push her away. Krootons cheeks puff with exertion as she struggles with Sean, her huge eyes fixed on the @. Ness grabs hold of Krooton again and tears her away from Sean screeching "Don't touch him!". Krooton then turns around and bites Ness on the shoulder, wriggles around and clasps her arms around Nesss neck and legs around her waist in a death grip. Sean then unsheathes Sting and holds it to Krooton's throat]

Sean (menacingly): This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you, Krooton! [Krootons eyes are fixed on Sting] Release her or I'll cut your throat!

Ness: Aww...

Krooton: Shit.

[Slowly, Krooton loosens her grip on Ness and as the latter disentangles himself, Krooton lets out a she is then tied at the neck with Nesss rope (don't ask) and half-dragged along even as she cries and wails.]

Krooton: It burns! It burns us! Take it ooooffff!
Ness: Quiet, you! [Ness tugs fiercely at the rope and then turns to Sean in dismay] It's hopeless! Every Portuch in the Psych Ward will hear this racket! Let's tie her up *wink wink* and leave her!
Krooton: No! Thats will kill us, kill us! Eee!
Ness: It's nothing more than you deserve!
Sean (looks at Krooton): Maybe she does deserve to die. Now that I've seen her, I do pity her.
Krooton: *snort* We be very nice to hobbits, you be nice to us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears! [stares at Sean with huge tennis-ball like eyes]
Sean: There is no promise you make that I can trust.
[Krooton kneels in front of Sean and begs] Krooton: We swears to serve the master of the precioussss. We swears on, on the precioussss! (Krooton Krooton)
Sean: The @ is treacherous. It will hold you to your word.
Krooton: Yes... on the preciouss... on the preciousss.
Ness: I don't believe you! Get down! Get down! [Ness jerks strongly at the rope as Krooton tries to get away and such that the latter crashes onto the ground, choking.]
Sean: Ness! Gah!
Ness: She was trying to trick us! We let her go she'll throttle us into our sleep! She'll give you a makeover like she did that one time you took a nap!
Sean: What?
Ness:...I didn't say anything.

[Krooton lies panting and holding her throat. She backs away, frightened, as Sean approaches her...since we all know Sean is SO scary]
Sean: Do you know the way to the Psych Ward?
Krooton: [nods warily] Yes?
Sean: You've been there before?
Krooton: [nods again] Yes...I've tried to repress it, but yes...
Sean: [reaches out and takes the rope noose off Krootons neck. Krooton seems surprised and relieved] You will lead us to the Black Gate.

[Krooton scrambles off and the hobbits follow in her wake]

[Scene 2: Portuch-hai marching along, bearing hobbitses on their backs. Cami is unconscious]

Katye: Cami! Cami!

[Portuch-hai pause]

KtDiD: What is it? What do you smell?
Ingy (sniffs the air): Man-flesh.
Katye (to herself): Jessa! Squee!
KtDid: They've picked up our trail! Let's go!

[The Portuch-hai quicken their pace. Katye struggles to reach her Elven brooch with her teeth. She then tears it off her cloak and drops it onto the ground. A big ol' portuch foot stomps on the brooch but it remains unbroken and visible on the grass]

[Jessa is lying with her eyes closed and ear pressed to the ground, listening for the sound of footsteps...not only does she have a good voice, but good hearing. What gives?]

Jessa: Their pace quickens. [She looks up] They must have caught our scent. Hurry! [she runs off]
TV: Come on Dragon! [Looks back at Dragon and then runs after Jessa]
Dragon: Three day's and night's pursuit... no peanut butter... no rest... and no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell. [Runs after her companions]

[The Three Hunters run across rocks and plains, with Jessa in the lead, and TV and Dragon trailing behind. After some distance, Jessa suddenly bends down to pick up an Elven brooch from the ground.]
Jessa: Not idly do the leaves of Marflorien fall.
[TV stops running and turns to Jessa] TV: They may yet be alive.
Jessa: Less than a day ahead of us, come! [Runs off again]
[Dragon stumbles from behind some rocks and rolls to the ground]
TV: Come, Dragon! We are gaining on them.
Dragon: I'm wasted on cross-country. We dragons can usually stomp around for a long time...
[Camera pans over the Portuches running across the plains, and then swings to the Three Hunters giving chase. The trackers come over a hill and pause as they gaze across the plains below]
Jessa: Rohitan, home of the marf, er, horse-lords. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets it's will against us. TV! What does your elf eyes see?
TV: The Portuches turn Northeast. They are taking the hobbits to Marfgard!
Jessa: LeXxuman.

[The tower of Orthanc stands amidst the smoking caverns of Marfgard. LeXxuman stands in her chamber, communicating with the Dark Lord through the Palantir]

LeXxuman: The world is changing.
[View changes to the tower of Barad-Vrr, with its huge Portuch armies on a, scawy!] Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Marfgard and the Psych Ward. To stand against the might of LeXxuman and LeXxuman and the union of the two towers. [Camera pans upwards along the height of the tower of Barad-Vrr until the flaming Eye is in view] Together, Lady LeXxuman, we shall rule this Middle-Earth.

{The EYE}
[The caverns of Marfgard glow with the fires of industry, sounds of hammering fill the air and molten iron is poured into casts, while Harry Potter posters are tacked onto the cave walls]
LeXxuman (voiceover): The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. Starbucks will deliver. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Portuches. We now have only to remove those who oppose us.

[LeXxuman stands in the midst of a gathering of Wildmen, who are holding torches and crude weapons]
LeXxuman: The horsemen have taken your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch the living of rocks.

[cries of agreement] Crowd: Murder! Braggh! Bleah! Boo!

LeXxuman: Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village! Eat all the ice cream!
Crowd: [roars with approval]
LeXxuman (voiceover): It will begin in the Rohitan. Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more.

[The wildmen and Portuches attack a village. A woman with her hand on a horse calls out to her children]

Tessa: Kailene, you take your sister. You'll go faster with just two.
[Tessa puts the Kailene onto the horse in front of her sister Sparky]
Kailene: But Papa says Sparky must not ride! Penguins can't ride horses!
Tessa: Listen to me! You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. Do you understand me?!
Sparky: Yes mum! Bwaha, I have a horse.
Kailene (sobbing): I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!
Tessa: Listen to me. I will find you there.

[Screams are increasing in volume as the army draws closer]

Tessa: Quickly! ...oh, child!
[The army slaughters at will and sets fire to the village. Fion and Sparky weep as they look back from a distance]
LeXxuman (voiceover): Rohitan, my lady, is ready to fall. Uh-huh, that's right, uh-huh. [Does the Funky Wizard]

[A group of horsemen ride to Edoras. Becca is in the lead, carrying a gravely wounded Penny in front of her]

[Fionnuala runs hastily up the stairs to the Golden Hall and enters a bedchamber. She runs to the bed]

Fion: Penny!

[Penny seems to hear her call but is unable to respond. She has a bloody gash on the side of her head. Penny draws back the covers and upon seeing Pennys fatal wound, her lips tighten and her eyes close. She looks up to catch Beccas eye]

[Becca and Fion are speaking to Cutie the king/queen/authority-figure who sits motionless on her throne, wizened and aged beyond her years]
Fion: Your daughter is badly wounded, my lady.
Becca: She was ambushed by Portuches. They mocked her punctuation and accosted her with Tom Felton pictures. If we don't defend our country, LeXxuman will take it by force.
Jess: That is a lie! [Appears from the shadows...Jess really is a lovely girl indeed, but on occasion evilness is far too much for one soul to contend with] LeXxuman the Bot has ever been our friend and ally.

Cutie: [mumbles feebly] Jess [Jess leans down close to the Queen]

Becca: Portuches are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked, unchallenged, killing at will, spamming. Portuches bearing the white boot-mark of LeXxuman.

[She drops a helmet onto the ground, which topples over to reveal the white boot-mark of LeXxuman]

Jess: Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your auntie is weary of your malcontent, your [hiss, hiss, hiss] war-mongering.

Becca: Durr. War-mongering? [she grabs Jess and pushes her against a pillar, growling] How long has it been since LeXxuman bought you? What was the promised price, Jess? When all the women are dead you get all the men?
Jess: Damn.
[Jesss eyes flick to right, watching Fion as she walks by. Fion stopped to stare back for a moment before departing form the hall. Becca jerks Jess again and clutches her hand around Jesss jaw]
Becca: Too long have you watched my sister, too long have you haunted her steps.
[Her eyes look to the left and relax and Becca is suddenly pulled off Jess by guards]
Jess: You see much, Becca daughter of Beccaus. Too much. Besides, I only admire Fion's loverly hair and manicured nails. *shrug*

[Guards hold Becca.]
Jess: Ahem, where was I...oh, yes. You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohitan, under pain of Faeries!

Becca (cry of anguish): Argh!!

[Portuch-hai and Portuches continue to march across the plains with their hobbit captives, Jessa, TV, and Dragon hot on their pursuit.]

Dragon: I'm missing Monday Night Football.
TV: They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them.
[They continue running over vast distances. The Portuch-hai and Portuches halt at nightfall, many panting with exertion.]
Ingy: We ain't goin' no further till we've 'ad a breather.
KtDiD: Get the fire going! Get the stuff for s'mores out!

[As the Portuch-hai take their rest, Katye crawls over towards Cami]
Katye: Cami! Cami!
Cami: [opens her eyes] I think, we might have made a mistake leaving the Chat, Katye.
[A group Portuches chop down the trees nearby for firewood. Low groans and rumbles start to emerge from the forest]
Katye: What's making that noise?
Cami: [looks towards the forest] It's the trees.
Katye: What the marf?
Cami: You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folks used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees tall, and come alive.
Katye: Alive?
Cami: Trees that could whisper, talk to each other, even move.
Ingy: I'm starving. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty bread and Vanilla Coke for three stinkin' days!
BaDgErS: Yeah! Why can't we have some meat? [her eyes come to rest on the hobbits] What about them? They're fresh!
KtDiD: They are not for eating! Marfing, maybe, but eating, no!
Portuch-Made-Out-Of-Salami: What about their legs? They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty!
KtDiD: [shoves at the Portuches] Get back!
[The other Portuches get restless]
Portuch-Made-Out-Of-Salami: [Moves towards the hobbits with her blade drawn] Just a mouthful!
[Katye and Cami recoil in fright. KtDiD jumps on the Portuch-Made-Out-Of-Salami and cuts off her head, which falls to the ground]
KtDiD: Hey, what do you know! Looks like meat's back on the menu, girls!
[The Portuch-hai and Portuches cheer and started tearing into the deceased, ignoring the hobbits]
Cami: Katye, let's go!
[Their hands still bound, the hobbits try to crawl away. Suddenly a foot comes down onto Katye and flips her over]
Portuch: [Brandishing a blade in front of Katyes face] Go on, call for help. Squeal! No one's gonna save you now!
[Suddenly, a spear pierces the Portuch's back. Mayhem ensues as Riders of Rohitan burst out from their hiding places and ambush the Portuches]
Cami: Katye! [gestures for them to make their escape]
[The hobbits try to escape from the pandemonium to the forest, dodging bodies and stomping feet. Suddenly Katye turns and looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on her]
Katye: Argh!!!!

[The Three Hunters are still chasing after the Portuch-Hai. Dawn has risen]
TV: A red sun rises. Blood or kool-aid has been spilled this night.
[The sound of horses comes to their ears. Jessa quickly gets them to hide behind some boulders. A large group of horse-men appears, galloping quickly with their banners flying. Jessa comes out of hiding as they pass, followed by TV and Dragon]
Jessa: Riders of Rohitan! What news from the Mark?
[At a signal from Becca at the lead, the riders make a quick turn and head towards them, surrounding them in an ever-tightening circle. As they stop, they point their long spears menacingly at them]
Becca: What business does an elf, a woman and a dragon have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly!
Dragon: Give me your name, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine. Grrowwl.
[Becca hands her staff to another rider, and gets off her horse. Jessa puts a hand on Dragons shoulder]
Becca: I would cut off your head ...Dragon...if it stood but a little lower to the ground.
[Dragon whips out butterknife and peanut butter]
TV: You would be a sandwich before your stroke fell!
[The riders all point their spears closer to the travelers. After a tense moment, Jessa pushes down TVs arm and tries to soothe rising tempers]

Jessa: I'm Jessa. This is Dragon, daughter of Dragonus, and TV, the college girl. We are friends of Rohitan and of Emma, its queen.
Becca: Emma no longer recognizes friend from foe. [Becca takes helmet off] Not even her own kin.

[The spears are withdrawn]

Becca: LeXxuman has poisoned the mind of the queen and claim ladyship over this land. My company are those loyal to Rohitan. And for that, we are banished. The White Bot is cunning. She walks here and there they say, as an old woman, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere her spies slip past our nets.

Jessa: We are not spies. *tsk* We track a band of Portuch-Hai westward across the plains. They have taken two of our friends captive.

Becca: The Portuches are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night.
Dragon: [alarmed] But there were two Hobbits, do you see two Hobbits with them?
Jessa: They will be small, probably flashing the portuches.
Becca: We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them. [Points to a smoking pile in the distance]
Dragon: They are dead?
Becca (nods): I am sorry.
[TV puts a hand on Dragons shoulders in grief. Becca turns and whistles]
Becca: Hasufel! Arod!
[Two horses appear]
Becca: Since I killed your friends...uh...have some horses. Farewell. [Becca puts on her helmet and gets back on her horse] Becca: Look for your friends but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. [to the riders] We ride north!!

[Jessa, TV and Dragon look on as the Riders go off. They then ride towards the burning carcasses and Dragon starts to shift through the smouldering pile, and TV and Jessa look around. Dragon pulls out a charred bra]
Dragon: ...Katye's lucky bra.
TV: Hiro īth ab 'wanath. ('May find peace after death' in elvish)
Jessa: [Kicks at an Portuch helmet and yells] AAARRGGHH!!! My foot! [she falls to her knees]
Dragon: We failed them.
[Jessa looks to the side and some tracks catch her attention]
Jessa: A Hobbit lay here, and the other.
[Flashback: Katye yells as she looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on her. she rolls over, avoiding the hooves]
Jessa: They crawled.
[Jessa starts to follow the tracks, with TV and Dragon behind her.]
[Flashback: Cami and Katye crawl frantically away from the battle]
Jessa: Their hands were bound.
[Flashback: Cami, enjoying being tied up but deciding it's a bit cumbersome for the moment, cuts the rope on an upturned axe]
Jessa: Their bonds were cut.
[Jessa holds up a broken length of thick rope]
Jessa: They ran over here and were followed.
[Flashback: Their hands freed, the hobbits run away from the battle scene, dodging under a horse and trying to stay out of harms way. As they flee, Ash grabs Katye by her bra strap and clings on]
Cami: The bra! Take it off, baby, take it off! I mean, run!
[Katye undoes her bra and Ash is left holding it as the hobbits run off]
Jessa: Tracks lead away from the battle, into...Fangorn Forest.
[The Three look up into a very dense and old forest]
Dragon: Fangorn! What madness drew them there?

[The hobbits run into Fangorn, seeking to lose Ash the Portuch. They collapse onto the ground, breathing hard.]

Katye: Did we lose her? [Looks around] I think we lost her.
[Suddenly, Ash bursts through the branches, brandishing a blade]
Ash: I'm scary, raawwrr, yes I am! C'mere!
Cami: Trees! Climb a tree!
[Katye and Cami quickly scramble up trees]
Cami: [Looks around and then sighs in relief] She's gone. Harhar!
[Suddenly, Cami is pulled by her legs and falls to the ground. Ash leans over her with her menacing blade. Cami tries to kick her off but to no avail]
Katye: Cami! Squeee!! [Katye looks down in horror but as she turns her head, she spots a pair of gleaming yellow eyes blinking in the tree shes clinging to. The tree starts to move and groan]
Katye: AIEEEE!
[Katye loses her grip in fright and grabs at the air futilely as she falls. The tree catches her before she hits the ground.]
Ash: [to Cami, oblivious to the movement behind her] Grrowl, roaaar, I'm scary, yes I am![Suddenly she senses something behind her and as she looks up, the 'tree foot' kicks Ash, and she soars off with a "eeee!"]
Katye: Run, Cami!
[Cami tries to run away but is scooped by the tree]
Tree: [Looks at the creatures in her hands] Little Portuches!
Katye: It's talking, Cami. The tree is talking. *shields eyes*
Tree: Tree! I am no tree! I am an Ent. [stomps slowly through the forest]
Cami: Treeherder! Shepherd of the forest. Can I get an autograph?
Katye: Don't talk to it, Cami. Don't encourage it.
Tree: Melisus, some call me.
Katye: An' whose side are you on?
Tree: Side? I am on nobody's side. Because nobody is on my side, little Portuch. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
Cami: We are not Portuches. We are Hobbits!
Tree: Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Portuch mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes, they come with bright colored signatures and Dan pictures. Biting, breaking, hacking, burning, spamming. Destroyers and usurpers. Curse them! Curse Tom!
Cami: No! You don't understand. We are Hobbits, halflings. Chatfolk! Strippers! Marfers! Oldies! Pillars!
Tree: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know.
Cami: White Wizard? LeXxuman!
[Melisus drops them on the ground and the Hobbits look up at the White Wizard...dun dun dun]

[Sean and Ness follow Krooton through rocky terrain. Krooton looks back to check that they are following]
Krooton: See, see, we have led you out! Hurry hurry, says hurry. *giggle* Very lucky we find you.
[Krooton jumps on a rock. Sean walks past and Krooton shrinks as Ness draws near] Nice Hobbit.
Ness: [Nesss foot slips into muck] Whoa! It's a bog! She's led us into a swamp! WENCH! I oughta...
Krooton: Sss. Swamp, yes. Come, master *giggle*. We will take you to safe paths, through the mist. Come Hobbits come. We move quickly.
[Krootons looks back and gestures for the hobbits to follow]
Krooton: I found it. I did. *giggle* The way through the marshes. Portuches don't use it. Portuches don't know it. They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Swift and quickly.
[The marsh lands stretch for miles and miles as far as the eye can see. The hobbits and Krooton appear as little specks. As the three pick their way gingerly though the marshes, they see faces floating in the water; still, rotting and pale. Ghostly lights dance in the swamp]
Ness: There are dead things! Dead faces in the water! ...ew!
Krooton: All dead. All rotten. Elves and men and Portuches. A great battle long ago. [Turns to face the hobbits] The Dead Marshes. Yes,Yes! That is the name. This way. Don't follow the light.
[Nesss foot slips again into the water]
Ness: Ohh!
Krooton: Careful now! Or Hobbits go down to join the dead ones, and light little candles of their own.
[Sean is drawn to one of the faces in Elven armour. He stares at it intently, until suddenly its eyes open and...naturally...Sean falls face-down into the water]
[Sean sees many faces of the dead in the water, no longer still but screaming and grasping, their rotten robes and hair flowing about their gruesome faces. Their hands reach for him, seeking to draw him into their realm. Ooo, scawy. Suddenly Sean is grabbed from behind and pulled ashore. Sean sputters and gasps for air as Krooton pulls him out of the water and drags him ashore]

Sean: [looks at Krooton in perplexed gratitude and disbelief] Krooton...
Krooton: DON'T follow the lights! Geez, you like never listen.
Ness: [Runs to Seans side] Sean! Sean! Are you alright? Eee!
[Sean lies panting, looking after Krooton]

[Nightfall: Ness is asleep but Sean is still awake. He holds the ring in the palm of her hand, staring at it and stroking it in a fixated manner looking rather ridiculous but oblivious to the fact. Suddenly he hears Krooton]

Krooton: So bright, so beautiful. [Sean quickly puts the ring back inside his shirt. He looks up to see Krooton crouching away from him, stroking the centre of her palm] Ah precioussss.
Sean: What did you say?
Krooton: [Hiss] Master should be resting. Master need to keep up his strength.
Sean: [Moves over and crouches in front of Krooton] Who are you?
Krooton: [Avoiding Seans eyes] Musn't ask us it's name, not it's business. [coughs in way that sounds like 'Krooton Krooton']
Sean: Alex told me you were one of the River Folk.
Krooton: Cold be rock and spam and bone. And call every traveller far from home.
Sean: She said your life was was a weird story.
Krooton: I am just a coconut, sitting on my coco-butt...
Sean: You were not so different from a Hobbit once were you? [pause] Kirsten.
Krooton: [looks up slowly] What did you call me?
Sean: That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago.
Krooton: My...My name...Kris...Kirs.... Kirsten.
Krooton: [Suddenly, Krooton notices something overhead] *gasp*
Ness: Dark Portuches!
Krooton: Hide! Hide!
Sean: Argh Argh!!
[Suddenly Sean, screaming girlishly, feels a sharp pain in her shoulder where he received the wound from the Portuch on Anon-Poster]
Ness: C'mon Sean, c'mon! Tsk, you're SO weak.
Krooton: They will see us! They will see us!
[Sean continues to clutch at the ring on his chest, immobilized. Ness grumbles and drags Sean across to hide beneath a bramble bush. The Spammers appears, tightening it's hold on the reins. It rides a huge bird-like-dinosaur-thing, swooping down across the marsh lands. Chilling screams of the Spammers fill the air]
Krooton: [cowering] Portuches! Portuches on wings! As if it isn't bad enough they have LEGS!
Ness: I thought they were dead?
Krooton: Dead? No, you cannot kill them. No.
[A loud screech that sounds like 'TOM' comes from the Spammers flying high above the marshes]
Krooton: They are calling for the precious. They are calling for the preciousssss.
[Sean feels the call of the ring and tries to put it on. Ness grumbles again, and grabs hold of Seans hand just as he reaches for the ring. Ness realizes it is a golden opportunity to hold Sean's hand, and does so]
Ness: *giggle*
[The Spammers continues to circle overhead. Finally, its cries start to fade into the distance]
Krooton: Hurry Hobbits. The Black Gate is very close.

[Meanwhile, Jessa and company go into Fangorn Forest to look for Cami and Katye.]
[Dragon fingers a dark stain on a leaf in Fangorn Forest. She brings it to her mouth and spits it out]
Dragon: Portuch blood!, I need vodka...
Jessa: These are strange tracks.
Dragon: The air is so close here.
TV: This forest is old. Very old. Full of memories...and anger...and...and...weeds.
[Groans reverberate through the forest. Dragon raises her gaff instinctively]
TV: The trees are speaking to each other.
[Dragon wields her axe more menacingly as more groans are heard]
Jessa: Dragon!
Dragon: Huh?
Jessa: [gestures] Lower your gaff.
Dragon: [Lowers her gaff slowly] Oh...right.
TV: Jessa, nad nā ennas! ('Something is out there!' Elvish 101 is paying off!)
Jessa: Man cenich? (What do you see? I took the course too.)
[Close-up of TVs eyes]
TV: The White Wizard approaches.
Jessa: Do not let her speak. She will out a spell on us!
[Jessa wraps her hand around the hilt of her sword, Dragon dips a spoon into a jar of peanut butter, and TV notches an arrow to her bow]
Jessa: We must be quick.
[The three are blinded by a bright light emanating from the White Wizard]
[With a yell, the three swing round to attack in accord. They are suddenly blinded by a bright light emanating from the White Wizard. Dragons thrown spoon and TVs arrow are deflected. Jessa drops her sword as it becomes red hot in her grasp]
Wizard [scary echo-y voice]: You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits.
Jessa: Where are they?
Wizard: They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?
Jessa: Who are you? Show yourself!
[The blinding light dims, revealing Alex, all dressed in white. The three are astounded. TV and Dragon bow before Alex, who giggles]
Jessa: It cannot be! You fell!
Alex: Through fire and water. [Flashback: Alex is battling the Balrog on a peak.] From reeeally high places to super-dooper low places, I fought her, the Leia of the Coffee. [Alex holds up bright shiny special sword and a flash of lightning strikes it before she plunges the sword into the Leia. With a final cry, the Leia falls from the peak and lands, smoking, onto the icy mountainside] Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote her ruin upon the mountainside. Woot! [On top of the mountain, Alex crawls a bit before collapsing on her back and gives up her consciousness] Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. [Alex enters an amorphous realm of stars and galaxies, ending in a blinding white light] Stars wheeled overhead as if of the life age of earth, and many shows of ER I did miss. But it was not the end. I felt light in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.
Jessa: Aww, Alex!
Alex: [looks at Jessa puzzledly] Alex? Oh yes. [There is a light of recollection in her eyes] That's what they used to call me. Alex the Pig. That was my name. [Looks at Jessa meaningfully] I am Alex the PigLET. [Jessa grins] And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. [They start to walk through the forest, with Alex leading the way, now wearing a grey cloak over her white robes]
Alex: One stage of the journey is over another begins. War has come to Rohitan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed.
[Outside the forest, Alex whistles piercingly. Soon an answering neigh is heard and a white horse appears from the plain, answering the call]
TV: Cool.
[The horse comes round to stop in front of Alex]
Alex: Shadowfax. He the lord of all horses and she's been my friend through many dangers. Uh, yeah, anyway...
[The Three Hunters and Alex ride across the plains to Edoras]

[Melisus walks through the forest, carrying Cami and Katye]

Melisus: My home. I sleep in the forest here. The roots of the mountains. I told Alex I would keep you safe and safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have gone wild and dangerous. Anger is in their hearts. They will spam you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us that are left to manage them. *heavy sigh*

[Sean and Ness reach the Black Gate.]
Krooton: The Black Gate of the Psych Ward.
[The enormous Black Gate comes into view with Portuches patrolling and standing guard on the towers and atop the walls, exchanging "I luv him!" "No, he's my biatch! We got married!". From right, an army of Easterling soldiers are marching to the Black Gate]
Krooton: Master says show her the way into the Psych Ward so good Kirsten does what master says so. *giggle giggle giggle*
Sean: I did.
[Portuches are patrolling the Black Gate]
Ness: We cannot get past them.
[A command is heard and an Portuch sounds a horn, signalling for the Gate to be opened. Two enormous cave trolls stretch and growl and then pull the mighty Gate open]
Ness: Look! The gate, it's opening! [she looks down from where she is] I can see a way down. Squee!
[She moves closer to the edge. Suddenly, the rock underneath her gives way and she falls]
Sean: Ness! No!!
Ness: MARF!
[Sean goes after Ness]
Krooton: Master! Leave her, you've still got me!
[Two Easterling soldiers see streams of dust coming down the cliff made by Ness and Sean. They move away from the troop to investigate. Sean reaches Ness who is stuck in the scree up to her waist in irritating little rocks. As the Easterlings move closer and closer, Sean throws his elvish cloak over himself and Ness. Ness giggles. The soldiers are now directly in front of Ness, but their eyes see nothing but rock. Sean and Ness peer from underneath the cloak. Ness gigles. The soldiers soon leave and after a moment, Sean throws back the cloak and pulls Ness out. Ness sighs]
Sean: I do not ask you to come with me, Ness.
Ness: I know, Mr. Sean. I doubt these elvish cloaks will help us in there.
[They prepare to make a run for the Gate]
Sean: Now!
[Krooton seizes Sean and pulls him back]
Krooton: No! No! No master! Go for it, Ness...anyway, Sean, they catch you! They catch you. Don't take it to her. She wants the precioussss. Always she's looking for it. And the preciousss is wanting to go back to her, but we musn't let her have it.
[Sean tries to make a run for it again]
Krooton: No! [Pulls Sean back again with surprising strength that shames Sean] There is another way. More secret, and dark way.
Ness: Why haven't you spoke of this before?!
Krooton: Because master did not ask! *sticks out tongue*
Ness: She is up to something. Crafty li'l wench.
Sean: Are you saying that there is another way to the Psych Ward?
Krooton: Yes. There is a path, and some stairs, 5 McDonalds, and then a tunnel.
[Krooton strokes Seans arm and buries her face in Seans cloak, pretending is pleading for him not to go but really blowing nose]
Sean: She has led us this far, Ness.
Ness: Mr. Sean, no!
Sean: She's been true to her word.
Ness: Nuh-UH!
Sean: Lead the way, Kirsten.
Krooton: Good Kirsten always helps! *giggle*
[Sean follows Krooton as Ness stares after him in disbelief]

Where's the rest? Why, in the next issue of Badgerstaff Wheneverly, of course!